Monday, December 31, 2007

Man vs. Child

While it may appear from the topics of the majority of "posts" thus far that this is a "parenting blog," let me assure you that it is not intentional; rather, it is most likely the byproduct of my recent status as a "tele-commuter" which has put me in close proximity to my offspring on a more regular basis than when I was simply a "-commuter." Hence, things related to the raising of human children have been on my brain more often, which is odd considering I've been a parent going on 15 years, now, but not so odd when you consider that when Noah was around the ages of Leo and Nick (6 and 4, respectively), "blogging" was in its infancy, and "parent-blogging" was, thankfully, not even invented yet, let alone codified by the New York Times as a cultural phenomenon worth ruining. If things were different then, oh the torrent of totally unique thoughts on parenthood you would have seen pour forth from my keyboard. I guess you can consider yourself lucky.

Anyway, while I was at the park today with the aforementioned Leo and Nick, we played hide and seek, wherein I seeked, pretending to not see them and vocalizing that fact, which of course built up so much suspense in them that they could no longer hold it as they burst into laughter, leaping from their totally obvious hiding place and shouting, "That was a good hiding spot, huh!" Just one of the many instances in which we let our kids win. So, for your reading pleasure, I present some common parenting scenarios as they would go down if we, the parents, used all the faculties available to us as adults against the pitifully limited faculties of our young offspring.

Hide and Seek

Parent: "OK, go and hide."

(Children scamper off and hide behind a young sapling roughly 10 feet away, giggling at their ingeniousness, while Parent counts to 20.)

Parent: "OK, ready or not, here I come. BAM! I see you guys, right over there. That twig's not even coming close to concealing you. Jesus, that was easy."

Arm Wrestling

Parent: "OK, get a good grip. There you go. You ready?"

6-Year Old Child: "Yep."

Parent: "All right, 1...2...3...Go!"

(Child loses immediately due to Parent's much larger forearm and greater muscle mass.)

Foot Racing

Child: "He dad, let's race!"

Parent: "OK, we'll line up and when I say "go," we'll race to the next corner."

Child: "OK!"

Parent: "On your marks...get set...GO!"

(Parent immediately takes the lead due to much longer legs and greater muscle mass, beating Child to the corner by a good 10 seconds.)

The Guessing Game

(Child come up to Parent holding a cookie, but it could be any object, that upon first inspection, appears to be intact, but in actuality may or may not be broken.)

Child: "Hey dad, is this cookie broken or not broken."

(Using deductive reasoning, a cognitive skill not yet fully developed in the common 4-year old, Parent immediately comes to the correct conclusion that the cookie is broken, because why else would a person ask such a question?)

Next week...The Game of Checkers...

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Faeries Wear Boots (and you better believe, now)

Maybe this will be a series or something, I don't know, but remember 30 minutes ago in the previous post (those were the days, huh?) when I mentioned I'd go into the pros and cons of using the magic of the information superhighway to work from home? You do? Great, so then you can help me determine whether Noah and his friend blasting Mi-Sex* on the living room stereo while I try to code health care websites is a pro or a con. I'm leaning towards the former, but in about 10 minutes, I'm thinking my answer may change.

Oh hey! Nick just walked up and his hands are completely blue thanks to his new Curious George stamps. I would take a picture and slap it up here in accordance with the 2004 Parent-Blogging Summit, but I can't find the damn camera, so you'll just have to dust off your imaginations.

*I know, I had never heard of them either. His friend Danny found this and an old Black Sabbath LP in his grandmother's attic and brought them over.


Since he was about 4, Leo has been confirming his decision to never marry. He did so again this morning as I was typing away at the kitchen table (more on the pros and cons of telecommuting later) and he was doing one of his Christmas puzzles. I asked him if he was going to have girlfriends, then, and he said he wasn't. So I continued, "You're just going to hang out with the guys, then?"

"Yeah," he answered, "until I start to smell."

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Untitled #23

Hey, have you heard? It's Christmas time in Hollis, Queens and also in the area I live in. If you look around, I bet it's Christmas time where you live, too. As Mike Huckabee reminds us, the baby Jesus is the reason for the season. God Damn, that guy loves Jesus, mostly on account of Jesus scaring all the extra fat out of his body, but also because he's our Savior and shit. All of us have our favorite Jesus story, and I'm certainly no exception. Mine is this one:
When he hit 48 home runs in one baseball game then he turned some dirt into cocaine and partied like it was the fucking Rapture.
I didn't think of that one, this guy I worked with wrote it in his Myspace, but as it turns out, you can't link to Myspace comments, so I'm quoting it in full here on a proper Web log. Anyway, you have to admit, this Jesus story kicks all the other Jesus stories' asses. I mean, can you imagine how pure that cocaine must have been? Even Robert Evans would be impressed. Then he would have signed Jesus to a multi-picture deal right before getting him laid.

On the serious side, I'm finding my need for ceremony grows stronger with each passing day, and damn it all, the humanists don't have shit to offer in that area. And I like the humanists. I can hang with them, they're usually up on all the latest gadgets and tend to share my political beliefs. Sadly, they're boring as shit and a bit sanctimonious. I'm a card-carrying agnostic (no, I won't show it to you, I was hung over that day and I look like shit) and agnostics are like anarchists in that they don't really have a lot to rally around. The symbolism is sorely lacking, although I'm stumping for an equivalent to the sign of the cross, which would be a simple shoulder shrug. If we're really feeling the agnostic spirit, we'd throw in a head cocked to the side and a closed mouth smile signifying our utter confusion. Instead of "Hallelujah," we'd sing "Who the fuck knows!?"

The new job goeth well so far. It's easy, for one thing, and telecommuting is nice. The money is ridiculous for what I'm doing, it's almost twice as much as I was making at the old coalmine.

Eh, I'm getting bored with typing. Merry Christmas, internet. Here's hoping you get everything you asked for.