Monday, December 31, 2007

Man vs. Child

While it may appear from the topics of the majority of "posts" thus far that this is a "parenting blog," let me assure you that it is not intentional; rather, it is most likely the byproduct of my recent status as a "tele-commuter" which has put me in close proximity to my offspring on a more regular basis than when I was simply a "-commuter." Hence, things related to the raising of human children have been on my brain more often, which is odd considering I've been a parent going on 15 years, now, but not so odd when you consider that when Noah was around the ages of Leo and Nick (6 and 4, respectively), "blogging" was in its infancy, and "parent-blogging" was, thankfully, not even invented yet, let alone codified by the New York Times as a cultural phenomenon worth ruining. If things were different then, oh the torrent of totally unique thoughts on parenthood you would have seen pour forth from my keyboard. I guess you can consider yourself lucky.

Anyway, while I was at the park today with the aforementioned Leo and Nick, we played hide and seek, wherein I seeked, pretending to not see them and vocalizing that fact, which of course built up so much suspense in them that they could no longer hold it as they burst into laughter, leaping from their totally obvious hiding place and shouting, "That was a good hiding spot, huh!" Just one of the many instances in which we let our kids win. So, for your reading pleasure, I present some common parenting scenarios as they would go down if we, the parents, used all the faculties available to us as adults against the pitifully limited faculties of our young offspring.

Hide and Seek

Parent: "OK, go and hide."

(Children scamper off and hide behind a young sapling roughly 10 feet away, giggling at their ingeniousness, while Parent counts to 20.)

Parent: "OK, ready or not, here I come. BAM! I see you guys, right over there. That twig's not even coming close to concealing you. Jesus, that was easy."

Arm Wrestling

Parent: "OK, get a good grip. There you go. You ready?"

6-Year Old Child: "Yep."

Parent: "All right, 1...2...3...Go!"

(Child loses immediately due to Parent's much larger forearm and greater muscle mass.)

Foot Racing

Child: "He dad, let's race!"

Parent: "OK, we'll line up and when I say "go," we'll race to the next corner."

Child: "OK!"

Parent: "On your marks...get set...GO!"

(Parent immediately takes the lead due to much longer legs and greater muscle mass, beating Child to the corner by a good 10 seconds.)

The Guessing Game

(Child come up to Parent holding a cookie, but it could be any object, that upon first inspection, appears to be intact, but in actuality may or may not be broken.)

Child: "Hey dad, is this cookie broken or not broken."

(Using deductive reasoning, a cognitive skill not yet fully developed in the common 4-year old, Parent immediately comes to the correct conclusion that the cookie is broken, because why else would a person ask such a question?)

Next week...The Game of Checkers...

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